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(letter to self)
Ok Keshia, you need to shape up and get your head back safely on your shoulders. Pay attention to school, stop being emo, know that you do great things, and be yourself. There is something amazing behind all the fear you have, let it bust out and let the world know whats in there.
So, get over it. Get over what you once knew, get on with your life. I know you have been and you have been doing a good job.
Do not worry whats going to happen in a relationship, enjoy it for what it is but keep your head straight. Do not let anyone distract you from your goal, from your life, from your dreams; unless of course they want to be incorporated into those dreams.
Stuff will hurt, things will happen, but life will go on. You know this, don't be afraid any longer. Live life and let life live. Have fun, do things out of the ordinary, don't be a drone and live each day the same...do something out of the ordinary, be yourself more than not. And overall hold onto those things that are most important to you.
This is to myself, since I know wht I need over all you guys.
I know what pep talk I need, I know what I am dealing with, you don't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I put this on my myspace...but I wanted to put it in here as well.
This is honestly my preferred blogging/journaling area, but I have not had al ot of time in the last week to blog like I would like.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nik did ask me out. We are dating. I also really like him...just enough at least. He is a good kid, and I like being around him, he is a lot of fun. Boisterous, hyper, considerate, and cuddly all in one. He's great. However, it has only been over a week...so I am not getting carried away, I will not permit it.
So I sit here and recollect my thoughts while listening to Evanescence, or watching Edward Scissorhands, and by drawing random pictures that collect all my thoughts into one big collage. I keep my thoughts collected by letting them flow out of my hands into the page, or onto the guitar. ... the guitar loves me, and he misses me. I miss him too, he is my Romeo and he makes me happy with his smooth sleek body and gorgeous voice.
Keshia
- Location:Insanity
- Mood:
crazy - Music:Dakona- In the Name of God
Ok, well thats all I wanted to say, and i got a forehead kiss!
keshia
- Location:At School
- Mood:
giggly - Music:Fall out Boy
I have a secret.
And it will stay a secret.
I am going to go to the library here soon and get some books on POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER....for Psychology, and I need to get another book for my book review that is due in a month. Then I have to do my lab report for chemistry, whcih I dont think I will be able to do that till Monday since my blue book got left at the school and I need my lab to write my report! AHHH! I thought I put it in my bag yesterday but apparently I didn't. I am really pissed too, all my notes and homework is in that thing! AHH! Life is falling apart slowly but surely. So monday, since I have the day off I will be working on that once I find my book. I am really hoping one of my friends saw it and took it for me. I know they know how much of a catastrophe I have been lately. Ug, I am even sick of myself! Jene probably saw it and took it knowing Jene. She is just the bestest ever. If she did I will buy her coffee, or anyone who did find it and save it I will buy them coffee.
Ok, I have to get goin. Mum is starting to form conversations and I don't have time to really talk.
Ash
- Location:At Home
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:Microwave
Today at school was weird, different, and good! Paul doesn't really like me, or he is just too lazy to pursue. Honestly, I need someone who will pursue just as much as I do, I am not going to do everything. I need to know whether he does like me or not. BUt meh, allegiance from me has shifted to someone I had kept an eye on since the first day of school. He knows a few of my friends, so we meet through mutual friends. I nicknamed him Pretty Boy, cuz his hair is very pretty.
He is so much fun! BOisterous, hyper, talkative, loud! AHH! YAY! Someone who can possibly keep up with me? Maybe? Even as a friend? I don't know. We shall see what happens! He is a fun guy! Lives in Stanwood though which makes me lotsa sad!
Ok, I must go finish my studying! I have some psych I need to study for! I have a rockstar nice and ready for tomorrow! Or shall I get caffiene another way, maybe I will stop in for a coffee. I will be up and out of the house around 6:45 like always though my first class doesn't start till 11, I hate parking. I don't work till 5 tomorrow night either! SOOO EXCITING!
Ok, must get! PSYCH STUDYING!
Ash.
- Location:At Home
- Mood:
curious - Music:Star Wars?
Because then my six days straight of work will be over, my exams will be studied for and aced, and my head won't be as stressed. Why am I writing this with all that other stuff I should be doing? Well, I need to keep stuff updated ya know? I do enjoy posting! It is helping me also relieve some stress. This is my journal, not a lot of people read it either so it is perfect!
So now I am going to listen to The Rats Of Nihm and do my bio studying and then make sure I know what I need to know for my psych exam. I am doing well in psych I think, but bio I am not sure of. I am sure that my hard library studying skills this week will prove helpful though in my success in these two tests. I keep writing all the info I can, devouring what knowledge I can and just soaking it all in. Thats what needs to happen. I don't think I can handle four quarters in a row like this though.
Ok, time to get now. I should eat some dinner but I am not going to worry about it this late at night. It will just be worse for me! Bad calories!
Ok, bed time for the sleepy...well, homework then bed.
Ash
- Location:At home
- Mood:
sleepy
SCORE! I just fixed it! I love it when I do that.
Not much happened today, just went to work, was going to hang out with Paul but didn't, came home, ate some dinner, dawdled, dad and I fixed my headlight, then Brandon called and I met him at Denny's. He had some soup I had hot chocolate. It was fun. We talked about things and stuff. Him and I would make a terrible couple, and we know it. But friends is perfect.
I am having a harder time with mom. Either she is just PMSing or just being a witch. I am not truly sure what is up her butt anymore but it is more than just a stick. I can't take much more of her. She gets such an attitude with me for nothing! I am beginning to lean towards actually hating her and I feel bad about it. Mum has always been a very difficult person, but she is getting worse and worse. I don't even think she realizes how much inbalanced she is anymore. She blames me and dad for it all, its ALL our fault. SHe thinks she is perfect, which she isn't...but I am not perfect either. I am just not making everyone else's life I live with miserable. I really am beginning to just hate her. It makes me sad.
Dad has taken over most of the bills and things. If I need help he will help me. I don't have to go through mum anymore, I do believe he planned it like this. It is wonderful that he did. Mum wouldn't help me out any. She is a tigh-wad for one, and two she doesn't believe I deserve the help. I am honestly not that terrible of a person, but she always makes me out to be wretched. She is never nice to me anymore. She is nothing more than an emotional blob anymore. I don't think people realize how hard it is to live with her. I get weird looks.
I need someone to just understand me, or at least let me cry on them. Still nobody to cry on. Over two years now. I feel pretty much like a looser though, and I know what mum is doing has something to do with it. I don't even come home anymore, why should I? Just to do chores? Forget it. If she isn't going to be happy with the stuff I do help out with around here than she is getting nothing from me. I will stay involved with work and school and just forget about her. She can stay home in her little emotional pot and stew all day if she wants to. I will strive to not be her in my future, but according to dad I am more like him everyday than I am ever like her.
I need ........................................
- Location:At home
- Mood:
crappy - Music:LOTR
I found it really hard to study today though I knew I had to. But I ended up getting quite a bit done. I got the PCs for my sociology class done, just have one more to do. I have to do some revisions by Tuesday and one extra credit assignment. Then I am done till the next assignments. Which come on Monday or Tuesday to say the least. I did some reading in my psychology as well as biology. I am taking biology with me to work today so I can work on that during my lunch. I will just b working on my Study guide.
I don't have enough money for bills this week. Which is really upsetting, I thought I would have enough. I will have to wait till I get paid again to be able to pay for the bills. That means I am literally living off my tips. I'm broke, I can't spend anything. There goes going anywhere till Tuesday after tips.
Paul and I may do something on Wednesday but I am not sure. Its up to him...and givin that I paid for his lunch a few days ago he may be more than happy to treat me. I don't know. A few of my friends were harrassing him and I yesterday. They don't understand my wanting a basis of a friendship before I decide on dating or not. So they threatened that either I ask Paul out or they would do it for me. My flight or fight response kicked in, I fled. I told Paul, "Lets take a walk." and he did. I could have handled myself with them, but I didn't want to put Paul through what they would have given him. My friends are great and I love them, but they really need to understand I won't just go out with someone I just me a couple weeks ago. They are just looking out for me. They know I am not one to get wrapped up in boys and want to date. Then after that Mark/Greg stuff, they are really protective of who gets to date me. I think they are just trying to make sure Paul is an ok guy. Poor guy. He doesn't know waht I have had to deal with in guys, and why my friends are acting the way they do. If he can put up with me and then deal with the attitude the friends give him, he definitely likes me. I am afraid I am going to run him off though. I tend to do that with people, they just flee from me and my beliefs, opinions, and nature. I don't really know why, but they do. I can handle it though, I am used to it. It has been like this since I was a kid.
Why is my personality so strong?
Keshia
- Location:At home
- Mood:
artistic - Music:Do Ya.
I am rather lonely lately guys. Am I yet again ostrichizing myself? I don't know. I feel lonely, school does that to me though, I tend to forget to be with people and get amused with my homework. I want someone to cuddle with and to relax around. I don't want to be by myself guys! Just save me from the monster of me! You don't know how much crap I have goin on right now, I want to just cry sometimes. It gets so tiring dealing with things around here. My profile is public, soI don't feel like going into the emoness of me. But yea, I feel alone...and lethargic. Blah. I need more sleep, more food, more love...more everything. More monies too...I should check on my monies honestly.
Ok, I will go. Brandon wants me to come see him, so I shall go see him and see what he wants. Silly boy.
Keshia
- Location:At school
- Mood:
blah - Music:DHT- Listen to your Heart.
Oh, well we just got back home a little bit ago from the butcher's. We had to pick up our cow, hehehe, well the parent's cow. It's all in nice little steaks, ground meaty, and roast pieces...its sexy.
Anyway, I am really needing to get homework done since I ignored it last night.
Love ya guys.
Keshia
- Location:At home
- Mood: crazy
- Music:The Fratellis
7:00- Brandy, Brandon(her friend) and I leave Starbucks for exploring!
8:00- We realize we are majorly lost and keep freakin Brandy out with shoutings of DEER, ZOMBIE, RAPTORS! LITTLE CHILDREN.
9:00- We end up in Granite Falls
9:01-We flee from Granite Falls
9:25- We end up BACK in Granite Falls
9:30- We stop to pee!! Brandy and I had to peee sooooo bad!!
9:50- Haggens 24 hour store for food.
9:50-10:30- Eating commences. Sweeper trunk in parking lot gets majorily close to Brandy's car. We get pissed and start rockin the car.
-the in between time that I really don't know we:
Took random construction cones from areas and went miles away and blocked off peoples driveways! SOO MUCH FUN! Random peoples driveways were blocked with a few cones this morning when they tried to leave. It was funny, just the thought of the people getting up this morning not knowing what the heck was going on....makes me laugh so hard. I don't know why! Is that funny to anyone else? Proly not, it's prolly for only Brandy and I to get. Which is sad, cuz we rock so hard!
I got home late...didn't get to bed till 12:30. I wasn't going to come to school so early, but because of parking and such like that I decided i should come early anyway. It is good to keep me on a schedule of when I am suppose to wake up.
So right nowI am listening to Pirates of the Caribbean and writing this. I am going to be finshing my homework here shortly...i have some presentation stuff to complete...grr. I don't really like presentations, but when I get up on stage you can't really tell. I just start rambling like my nervous self, it sucks.
So...I think Chewie likes me, or is afraid of me....i can't tell yet. Grrr. I should really jsut stop thinking about it. I like the kid, thats all that matters.
"No need to be hasty Master Hobbit."
Keshia
- Location:At school
- Mood:
devious - Music:Pirates of the Caribbean
I am in a rather odd mood today. Typically I do not want to be around a lot of people, but today I want everyone to be around me today. Mum wants me to go to the PX to get her a bread machine since hers died today. I really don't want to go but I said I would. The reason I don't want to go is because I will be alone, which is not right for me.
I am feeling like I am wandering again. Just wondering from group to group, making new friends, reliving old friends, being in a hole...ya know all the emo stuff.
I do like Chewie. I think he likes me. We were suppose to hang out tonight. But his car died...well brakes died, and its heating up too much. So we were suppose to hang out today actually, but car stuff. So if he gets done tonight he will give me a call and we shall see what we can do. I like him. I will have to admit it, I like the kid. I just don't know if he likes me, or if he is scared by me like all guys.
Maybe I am thinking too much about it. Ok, I need to stop the thinking. Blah.
- Location:At school
- Mood: crazy
- Music:The Flatellis
However, it is kind of silly for me to be on here when I have a lot to do, a shower to take and stupid chores to do. I was going to eat dinner, but forget it, I do not have time again. Oh well.
Keshia
- Location:My room
- Mood:
nerdy - Music:The Pipettes
Out of fear of sounding emo, I do not want to write this. Out of fear of letting others understand and know my emotions, I am even more reserved to write this. Oh well though. It looks like I am going to go into a spout of emotion before I go to work . I do have to pack this up really soon though and leave.
Hmm, I do not know if I am really ready for this whole indepentdent thing. Well, actually I am ready for it...but I don't know if I like the pain of the change. Ido like the fact that people do avoid me as I am walking down the hall, into a room, or even just around. People take one look at me and back off, I don't know if thats a good thing or bad. But for some twisted reason, I do enjoy it...though it does hurt. I am not the invisible one anymore, but I am the scary one for some reason.
The loner has struck, the hate has spewed, I hate you all. I hate life, friends, and work. I hate the living and the dead. I am on a rampage. I will make you hurt, bleed, and wish you didn't meet me.
Thanks for the .......
I took some motrin earlier, it is wearing off now. I am thinking about showering agian, since it seems that a nice hot shower does help. So I will be showering for the second time today, I also think I will wake up and shower again. So I will ahve to get up earlier than usual since it takes me a little bit longer to get a move on. I still have to go to work and school tomorrow. I can't get out of it. That's ok though, I need the money whether I like it or not.
I just did a hour of biology, finished my sociology and after a short little break I am going to work on psychology. I don't remember when my first test is, but it is coming up here shortly. I think it's the 12th or something, I can't remember for sure. And I am not really sure what she wants us to go over for the tests, mainly the outlines she said...but she doesn't even really go over a lot of the outline material or she talks too fast. I can't believe it is already October, my friend's birthday is on the 29th. I hope I don't have anything important happening on that day. I need to take it off or he is going to pout....I guess. I am not sure.
I don't even have any idea what to get him...gah. Dangit for not having monies.
Keshia
- Location:home
- Mood: blah
- Music:some classical
They did an E.K.G....do you know what that means! Well, in lame man's terms they wanted to make sure my heart was working just fine. But in my terms its: THey had to expose my boobies so they could hood sticky little doohickies along my chest and under my left breast leaving me exposed and REALLY umcomfortable. Then when he, YES HE, took the little sticky doohickies off my boobs bounced! UNCOMFORTABLE! I don't WANT people seeing my boobies! Ug.
But nothing bad was wrong, other than I was having HORRENDOUS chest pain, and couldn't breathe. They found nothing other than the possiblity it was a muscle spasm/strain. And said to rest. REST!?!?! What the heck is that?! I don't understand.
So I don't work tomorrow, sorda happy about that. But I have school to get to on Monday and then after that I am totally going to the chiropractor and see if they can help me out. This pain is just getting worse and worse, I want someone to give me a backrub....that would be nice. Hurts soo bad guys. I hate pain...though I tolerate it very well. This is just too much even for toughy me. Guh. *wince*
Keshia
- Location:home
- Mood: uncomfortable
- Music:None
- Mood: exhausted
